{refocus}

I've been feeling lately like I've been looking at my life through something hazy, something that is obscuring the panorama before me. The landscape of my life has changed. I'm no longer a single parent; I have a wonderful husband to share my life with now. The first false truth I debunked going from single to married was that being married was most assuredly not easier. It's just different. I truly expected it to be easier. Not that marriage isn't beautiful, that having a love that has no ceiling to keep it from growing into the stratosphere and beyond is without a doubt breathtaking, but is not easier. The whole "two is better than one" thing has responsibilities. So does being single and parent to boot. I could go on, but I would digress too far into a topic miles away from where I'm headed today.

Being a wife now changes my prayers dramatically. It changes everything. The hopes and dreams I had as a single parent were born from a heart that dared not include a husband. An entire life I built in my head without any room for a husband, as it turns out. Now, not only has the landscape changed before me, but so has the light shining down upon. I can't get a clear view of anything. I find myself squinting and squeezing the eyes of my heart tightly only reopen them to find the same fuzzy, mottled scene before me. 

I confess I'm no longer at peace with the road I'm on, that the direction my life was taking before marriage is the right path for me to be on. Not that I don't love what I'm doing, but I'm mature enough in my faith to know that just because a person loves what they are doing doesn't necessarily mean that it has the Lord's stamp of approval. I can't help but wonder if all the struggling we're going through is the result of forcing our square dreams into God's round hole of His will. . .

After sharing my feelings with hubbz (translation: I southern-girl-snotted for about 15 minutes on his shoulder), and given the current circumstances we are faced with in our life right now, we are dedicating our prayer life to revelation of God's will for our marriage and family. No matter what that means, or what road it takes us down. We know God is walking before us and behind us. All He asks is that we trust the water He's walking on, no matter how torrential the storm is around Him. And I do. And we will. I just need to refocus. Not horizontally. . .but vertically.