This is exactly what getting things done has looked like for me these past few weeks. I will get everything I need to sit down and get something accomplished, only to piddle my time away at something completely nonessential . *sigh* I love my life :)
I've put off studying, laundry, time with friends, time with Jesus, and about a dozen other things to do things like study, do laundry, spend time with friends, linger over some scripture, or do a dozen little odd-jobs that caught my attention at the moment. So, whilst I sit here and drink my tall Pike Place w/vanilla, 2 packs of Splenda, and extra creamer at Starbucks and pointedly ignore the textbook sitting next to my cup, I am going to vent just a little about a recent corner I turned this Easter. I've been approaching this corner with Jesus for some time now, and after reading some Facebook posts over the past 24 hours, it feels like some others could use a taste of the slice of life on my plate at the moment.
Procrastination and rushing go together like peanut butter and jelly (or apple pie and ice cream if you have peanut allergies). We rush only to procrastinate, and we procrastinate only to find ourselves rushing. There is no more powerful and destructive force than procrastination in relationships. I feel that there is not any relationship that is excluded here, but for the sake of this vent, I'm going to zoom in on romantic relationships. Let me dig a little deeper for you. . .
How do we "rush to procrastinate" in relationships? In American society today, all we do is rush. We don't know any longer what it is to wait for something, to log in the time, effort, and energy into something that is important to us. We want what we want and we want it now. We rush head-first into the deep end of a romance, playing house with people when we stay the night with them or go grocery shopping with them, talking about all the things we want to do and to have when we "settle down." We open ourselves up like a 24-hour, all-you-can-eat super buffet (think Golden Corral), figuring/hoping/praying that this person will surely find something appealing enough to stick around for. Within a few short days we feel the euphoria of being adored, and get hooked on that feeling. Our ego is fed by all this attention, gorging to the point of gluttony. And then comes the burn-out. As quick as it came into our lives, it leaves and we are crushed. We feel rejected, unlovable, and undesirable.
However, if we were completely honest, deep down inside in that place that we don't like to admit we have that always seems to know what's best for us, we knew what we were rushing into wasn't going to last. We procrastinate in calling it quits. We wait, perhaps even diving deeper and faster into the abyss of infatuation, trying in vain to ignore that little voice inside of us that is saying, "this isn't going to last." We put off all wisdom out of fear of being alone or misunderstood or gossiped about. We ignore the red flags that tell us something is wrong instead of just calling it quits. Why do we do this? Why don't we just say, "DEUCES! I'm out!" if we're not so jazzed about Mr/Miss Wonderful anymore? Why do we stay in something we know is not going to just end, but its going to end painfully??
We procrastinate calling it quits because the same ego that gluttonously fed on all the attention is the same prideful monster that whines in protest at the idea of having to back-track over some of the things confessed in the high of an emotional moment, and say "just kidding! I'm not really feeling that way anymore." The pain of admitting we were wrong and that we made a mistake is a direct hit on our own pride and self-love to someone we barely know. And that my friends, is way more excruciating than being dumped in the eyes of that green-eyed lizard called PRIDE. Please don't think I am excluding myself here - I have a few of these t-shirts from 30-day shelf-life "Mr. Wonderfuls" in my drawer of exes. *smh*
**Now don't misunderstand me - I am not saying we shouldn't love and respect ourselves. As a child of God, we have value and worth beyond any earthly price - God gave His only Son for us. Pride and self-worth are two different things. If you require an in-depth discussion of the difference, please feel free to email me. At one point, I also required a deeper explanation and had a wonderful, grace-focused, Jesus-loving person to guide me through to a clear understanding between pride and my identity in Christ. I would love to pay it forward and share what I learned.**
Then, we have the procrastination only to find ourselves rushing relationships. We meet someone and are fearful - paralyzingly fearful - of the possibility of being rejected by that person because they are so amazing/intelligent/funny/etc so we never, ever, EVER say a word. We put it off, maybe never speak to them, or maybe only in passing. Or worse, maybe we are super masochistic and decide to try and be their friend. Maybe we work with them, or our kids go to the same school, or we go to the same coffee shop. Geez, I've seen this in all shapes and sizes. . .I've done it in various forms myself. I'm queen of the Fear hive. . . anyways, let me stay on my train of thought here. . . so we have procrastinated just being honest and then run around trying to pretend we don't feel anything for this other person by serial-dating. Our hope is that the next relationship we snuff out the candle we're pretending we're not burning, and all will be well again in our little corner of the universe. Nope, my friends. 'Fraid not. We just end up on the "rushing-to-procrastinate" roller coaster instead. Is anyone with me here? I bet so.
Here we are at the corner I've turned. If you've read this far, you're either really lost and bored or you're nodding your head and thinking about the t-shirts, roller coasters, and tears you've racked up in this game yourself. This intersection is at the roads of "Patience" and "Procrastinate." Stay with me a little longer. . .you're this far, may as well see it to the end, right?
At the intersection of "Patience" and "Procrastinate" we can choose which way to lead our hearts. We can turn down the road of "Procrastinate" and feed our flesh and pride with all kinds of instant gratification, like the quick pick-me-ups found in convenience store foods and energy drinks. We can ignore how unhealthy the wares are that the shops that line this road tempt us with, and simply plod on, existing from one temporary high to the next. We can put off being mature and wise and bold and honest just so we have a warm body with a pulse to tell us how wonderful we are.
Or, we can do a 180 and turn down the road of "Patience" where we sit a fine restaurants and wait for delectable feasts that are nourishing and painstakingly prepared and never served in a plastic sack or pushed through a drive-thru window. We can stroll down this road side-by-side with other travelers or alone, completely content with the leg of the journey we're on and not rely on the validation of others that we're going in right direction. We can weave in and out of delightful experiences without unrealistic expectations or grandiose delusions and just be thankful we had the moment or moments to appreciate how beautiful humanity, in all its imperfection, truly is.
Here, on this road, we wait patiently for life to bring someone into our lives that is already on the same road, headed in the same direction, that we can share the journey with. We can stroll together and wade into the ocean of love and forever one toe at time, all the while feeling safe and free to come and go as we please. On the road of "Patience" we ave freedom and courage to be different. We don't have to be like everyone else. We can draw the line and say "up to here you may come, but no further" with boldness and peace because we know that while it may sting to see someone walk away, that sting lasts only a moment and then we're glad to see them go because we've felt deeper and darker pain on the road of "Procrastination" and we're done with that road.
My road of patience isn't all sunshine and daisies, and I don't expect it to be. But it sure beats the anxiety and self-loathing I felt on the path I have been on for nearly ten years. I hate to see women (and some men) put themselves through this over and over again. I wish people would realize how special they are and raise their standards a little (or a lot). I wish they'd stop putting themselves out there so quickly physically and emotionally and protect what is valuable - their own hearts. You bet if their heart was that $600 million lottery ticket they'd be a great deal more careful who put their hands on it. The shame of it is, their heart is infinitely more valuable than that lottery ticket. If only some people lived in that truth instead of the lies the world tells them.
