Back in the saddle

I used to write
Long ago
Before I knew what
Pain and joy really were

Rhymes and passion
In perfect syllabic lines
Bridled dreams
In iambic pentameter

Has it been ten years?
Or eons?

Awaken, old friend:
Life is beautiful.
Dust off your adjectives
And nouns.
We have much to talk about.

procrastination

This is exactly what getting things done has looked like for me these past few weeks. I will get everything I need to sit down and get something accomplished, only to piddle my time away at something completely nonessential . *sigh* I love my life :)


I've put off studying, laundry, time with friends, time with Jesus, and about a dozen other things to do things like study, do laundry, spend time with friends, linger over some scripture, or do a dozen little odd-jobs that caught my attention at the moment. So, whilst I sit here and drink my tall Pike Place w/vanilla, 2 packs of Splenda, and extra creamer at Starbucks and pointedly ignore the textbook sitting next to my cup, I am going to vent just a little about a recent corner I turned this Easter. I've been approaching this corner with Jesus for some time now, and after reading some Facebook posts over the past 24 hours, it feels like some others could use a taste of the slice of life on my plate at the moment.

Procrastination and rushing go together like peanut butter and jelly (or apple pie and ice cream if you have peanut allergies). We rush only to procrastinate, and we procrastinate only to find ourselves rushing. There is no more powerful and destructive force than procrastination in relationships. I feel that there is not any relationship that is excluded here, but for the sake of this vent, I'm going to zoom in on romantic relationships. Let me dig a little deeper for you. . . 

How do we "rush to procrastinate" in relationships? In American society today, all we do is rush. We don't know any longer what it is to wait for something, to log in the time, effort, and energy into something that is important to us. We want what we want and we want it now. We rush head-first into the deep end of a romance, playing house with people when we stay the night with them or go grocery shopping with them, talking about all the things we want to do and to have when we "settle down." We open ourselves up like a 24-hour, all-you-can-eat super buffet (think Golden Corral), figuring/hoping/praying that this person will surely find something appealing enough to stick around for. Within a few short days we feel the euphoria of being adored, and get hooked on that feeling. Our ego is fed by all this attention, gorging to the point of gluttony. And then comes the burn-out. As quick as it came into our lives, it leaves and we are crushed. We feel rejected, unlovable, and undesirable. 

However, if we were completely honest, deep down inside in that place that we don't like to admit we have that always seems to know what's best for us, we knew what we were rushing into wasn't going to last. We procrastinate in calling it quits. We wait, perhaps even diving deeper and faster into the abyss of infatuation, trying in vain to ignore that little voice inside of us that is saying, "this isn't going to last." We put off all wisdom out of fear of being alone or misunderstood or gossiped about. We ignore the red flags that tell us something is wrong instead of just calling it quits. Why do we do this? Why don't we just say, "DEUCES! I'm out!" if we're not so jazzed about Mr/Miss Wonderful anymore? Why do we stay in something we know is not going to just end, but its going to end painfully??

We procrastinate calling it quits because the same ego that gluttonously fed on all the attention is the same prideful monster that whines in protest at the idea of having to back-track over some of the things confessed in the high of an emotional moment, and say "just kidding! I'm not really feeling that way anymore." The pain of admitting we were wrong and that we made a mistake is a direct hit on our own pride and self-love to someone we barely know. And that my friends, is way more excruciating than being dumped in the eyes of that green-eyed lizard called PRIDE. Please don't think I am excluding myself here - I have a few of these t-shirts from 30-day shelf-life "Mr. Wonderfuls" in my drawer of exes. *smh*

**Now don't misunderstand me - I am not saying we shouldn't love and respect ourselves. As a child of God, we have value and worth beyond any earthly price - God gave His only Son for us. Pride and self-worth are two different things. If you require an in-depth discussion of the difference, please feel free to email me. At one point, I also required a deeper explanation and had a wonderful, grace-focused, Jesus-loving person to guide me through to a clear understanding between pride and my identity in Christ. I would love to pay it forward and share what I learned.**

 Then, we have the procrastination only to find ourselves rushing relationships. We meet someone and are fearful - paralyzingly fearful - of the possibility of being rejected by that person because they are so amazing/intelligent/funny/etc so we never, ever, EVER say a word. We put it off, maybe never speak to them, or maybe only in passing. Or worse, maybe we are super masochistic and decide to try and be their friend. Maybe we work with them, or our kids go to the same school, or we go to the same coffee shop. Geez, I've seen this in all shapes and sizes. . .I've done it in various forms myself. I'm queen of the Fear hive. . . anyways, let me stay on my train of thought here. . . so we have procrastinated just being honest and then run around trying to pretend we don't feel anything for this other person by serial-dating. Our hope is that the next relationship we snuff out the candle we're pretending we're not burning, and all will be well again in our little corner of the universe. Nope, my friends. 'Fraid not. We just end up on the "rushing-to-procrastinate" roller coaster instead. Is anyone with me here? I bet so.

Here we are at the corner I've turned. If you've read this far, you're either really lost and bored or you're nodding your head and thinking about the t-shirts, roller coasters, and tears you've racked up in this game yourself. This intersection is at the roads of "Patience" and "Procrastinate." Stay with me a little longer. . .you're this far, may as well see it to the end, right?

At the intersection of "Patience" and "Procrastinate" we can choose which way to lead our hearts. We can turn down the road of "Procrastinate" and feed our flesh and pride with all kinds of instant gratification, like the quick pick-me-ups found in convenience store foods and energy drinks. We can ignore how unhealthy the wares are that the shops that line this road tempt us with, and simply plod on, existing from one temporary high to the next. We can put off being mature and wise and bold and honest just so we have a warm body with a pulse to tell us how wonderful we are. 

Or, we can do a 180 and turn down the road of "Patience" where we sit a fine restaurants and wait for delectable feasts that are nourishing and painstakingly prepared and never served in a plastic sack or pushed through a drive-thru window. We can stroll down this road side-by-side with other travelers or alone, completely content with the leg of the journey we're on and not rely on the validation of others that we're going in right direction. We can weave in and out of delightful experiences without unrealistic expectations or grandiose delusions and just be thankful we had the moment or moments to appreciate how beautiful humanity, in all its imperfection, truly is. 

Here, on this road, we wait patiently for life to bring someone into our lives that is already on the same road, headed in the same direction, that we can share the journey with. We can stroll together and wade into the ocean of love and forever one toe at time, all the while feeling safe and free to come and go as we please. On the road of "Patience" we ave freedom and courage to be different. We don't have to be like everyone else. We can draw the line and say "up to here you may come, but no further" with boldness and peace because we know that while it may sting to see someone walk away, that sting lasts only a moment and then we're glad to see them go because we've felt deeper and darker pain on the road of "Procrastination" and we're done with that road. 


My road of patience isn't all sunshine and daisies, and I don't expect it to be. But it sure beats the anxiety and self-loathing I felt on the path I have been on for nearly ten years. I hate to see women (and some men) put themselves through this over and over again. I wish people would realize how special they are and raise their standards a little (or a lot). I wish they'd stop putting themselves out there so quickly physically and emotionally and protect what is valuable - their own hearts. You bet if their heart was that $600 million lottery ticket they'd be a great deal more careful who put their hands on it. The shame of it is, their heart is infinitely more valuable than that lottery ticket. If only some people lived in that truth instead of the lies the world tells them.


 

broken {hinge}

Have you ever seen a door - of any kind - with a broken hinge? With more than one broken hinge? Car doors, front doors, patio doors, French doors, cabinets, cupboards, refrigerators, freezers, garage doors, take your pick. Until that hinge is repaired, it just doesn't work correctly does it? The door swings back and forth, sure. But us it secure? Is it keeping it's contents safe? Is it protecting what's behind it from the elements, whatever they might be, from weather to toddlers?

What if what was behind the door was priceless, and one singular door-opening event caused a hinge to break, leading to a cascading series of events that caused tremendous damage time and time again to the priceless contents? What if the haphazard swinging on that broken hinge was just accepted, resigning the door to a fate of disrepair, destined to be a shoddy sentinel of the precious treasure it is nevertheless responsible for guarding?

What if that door was on our heart, and the treasure is our joy, hope, and love? What if we were brave enough to prayerfully seek out the event (or events, if you're like me!) that broke us, caused us to trade the truth in for a lie, and ultimately led us down a painful path of poor choices and self-loathing? What if when we found it, we gave it to Jesus to repair, restore, and redeem? What would that look like? What would WE look like? To ourselves, and to the world?

To be continued....

Daring to dream big by starting small

My divorce papers were mailed out yesterday.

For someone who never intended to be divorced once, I must confess that twice has broken something deep within me. I've been sad before, and I've experienced heartache and grief and loss. But this time, my heart shatters because God's heart is breaking too. That being said, I may not be where I intended to go, but I think I've ended up where I needed to be. God has been so faithful to provide for my every need, and the peace I have in Jesus sustains me and fills me with joy.

I'm in counseling with my church and have surrounded myself with positive people I can be transparent and completely myself with as I try to figure out the finer details of who that really is. For the last ten years I consumed myself with being what everyone else expected, doing what they expected of me, never asking myself what I really wanted. Or at least I was too scared to listen to myself, which again, in the spirit of transparency is probably closer to the truth.

My mother would disagree with my choice to share that I am in counseling but let's be honest - we could all use a little therapy now and then. Depression sucks and in the words of Reba, "the world doesn't stop for my broken heart." It keeps turning and my responsibilities don't take breaks. It has been so beneficial for me to have a safe place to face some of the unhealed hurts that have been the impetus behind so many poor decisions. I am thankful daily for the grace that saved me, and for my Savior's unconditional love. I'm learning how to live in freedom of His grace. I'm far from perfect, but I'm also learning that it's okay - I have a perfect God. So if sharing my journey makes some people judge me or choose to treat me differently, God's in control and I'm not worried because if even just one person is encouraged in their journey with depression and anxiety and surrenders themselves to Jesus to find healing and hope, it is worth it.

My most important lesson at the beginning of my journey was to get rid of the ridiculously high expectations I had for myself and others and set expectations more on line with my reality. A year later, I'm here to tell you I have been less stressed, less disappointed, and have felt more peaceful in my spirit. I actually laugh more as a result of more realistic expectations because it allows me to see the humor in the situation when things don't go my way. Who would've thought?

So today a dear friend helped me get to a place of acceptance in something tremendous. She knows the fear I've had of never being enough in just about any endeavor (motherhood, career, relationships), and how many tears I've cried over the past couple of years. This afternoon she bluntly asked as I was rambling about life's latest adventures balancing motherhood, my last year of nursing school, and living in a three-generation home: "well who is taking care of you while you take care of everyone else trying to be 'enough' for them? What about someone being 'enough' for you?" This kind of honesty is a key feature in all of my friendships! We figure if the truth hurts, then you definitely needed to hear it. And wow, I needed that truth today!

She helped me take ownership of my right to dream big and not settle. At the moment, there are so many great things on my horizon with graduation looming, and I have the right to happiness and dreams fulfilled. Something quite unexpected has fallen into my lap recently, and while I haven't the faintest idea where it will go, I'm allowing myself to take hold of dreams I had previously come to terms with never coming to fruition. I am allowing myself this one little thing to pray for each day, taking deep breaths and baby steps, and not suffocating my own hope out of fear of disappointment. This small thing may indeed never lead to something big. . .but then, what if it does? No matter what, I will laugh (It's what I do best) and not let go of dreaming big ever again. It's an absolutely delicious feeling.