For someone who never intended to be divorced once, I must confess that twice has broken something deep within me. I've been sad before, and I've experienced heartache and grief and loss. But this time, my heart shatters because God's heart is breaking too. That being said, I may not be where I intended to go, but I think I've ended up where I needed to be. God has been so faithful to provide for my every need, and the peace I have in Jesus sustains me and fills me with joy.
I'm in counseling with my church and have surrounded myself with positive people I can be transparent and completely myself with as I try to figure out the finer details of who that really is. For the last ten years I consumed myself with being what everyone else expected, doing what they expected of me, never asking myself what I really wanted. Or at least I was too scared to listen to myself, which again, in the spirit of transparency is probably closer to the truth.
My mother would disagree with my choice to share that I am in counseling but let's be honest - we could all use a little therapy now and then. Depression sucks and in the words of Reba, "the world doesn't stop for my broken heart." It keeps turning and my responsibilities don't take breaks. It has been so beneficial for me to have a safe place to face some of the unhealed hurts that have been the impetus behind so many poor decisions. I am thankful daily for the grace that saved me, and for my Savior's unconditional love. I'm learning how to live in freedom of His grace. I'm far from perfect, but I'm also learning that it's okay - I have a perfect God. So if sharing my journey makes some people judge me or choose to treat me differently, God's in control and I'm not worried because if even just one person is encouraged in their journey with depression and anxiety and surrenders themselves to Jesus to find healing and hope, it is worth it.
My most important lesson at the beginning of my journey was to get rid of the ridiculously high expectations I had for myself and others and set expectations more on line with my reality. A year later, I'm here to tell you I have been less stressed, less disappointed, and have felt more peaceful in my spirit. I actually laugh more as a result of more realistic expectations because it allows me to see the humor in the situation when things don't go my way. Who would've thought?
So today a dear friend helped me get to a place of acceptance in something tremendous. She knows the fear I've had of never being enough in just about any endeavor (motherhood, career, relationships), and how many tears I've cried over the past couple of years. This afternoon she bluntly asked as I was rambling about life's latest adventures balancing motherhood, my last year of nursing school, and living in a three-generation home: "well who is taking care of you while you take care of everyone else trying to be 'enough' for them? What about someone being 'enough' for you?" This kind of honesty is a key feature in all of my friendships! We figure if the truth hurts, then you definitely needed to hear it. And wow, I needed that truth today!
She helped me take ownership of my right to dream big and not settle. At the moment, there are so many great things on my horizon with graduation looming, and I have the right to happiness and dreams fulfilled. Something quite unexpected has fallen into my lap recently, and while I haven't the faintest idea where it will go, I'm allowing myself to take hold of dreams I had previously come to terms with never coming to fruition. I am allowing myself this one little thing to pray for each day, taking deep breaths and baby steps, and not suffocating my own hope out of fear of disappointment. This small thing may indeed never lead to something big. . .but then, what if it does? No matter what, I will laugh (It's what I do best) and not let go of dreaming big ever again. It's an absolutely delicious feeling.
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